"My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger."
-Billy Connolly
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"I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.“
-Billy Connolly
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"My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo."
-Billy Connolly
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"Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on."
-Billy Connolly
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"Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit."
-Billy Connolly
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"I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be."
-Billy Connolly
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"Once you become successful, people know where you live, the type of house you live in, the kind of car you drive, the clothes you wear, and so it would be patronising to go and talk like a welder. Welding's a mystery to me now. You can't go back, your life changes every day."
-Billy Connolly
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"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."
-Steve Martin
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"When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity."
-Albert Einstein
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"People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading."
-Logan P. Smith
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"My one regret in life is that I am not someone else."
-Woody Allen
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"To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone."
-Reba McEntire
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"My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is."
-Ellen DeGeneres
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