"I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who?"
-Jay London
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"I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights."
-Jay London
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"It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes."
-Jay London
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"My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings."
-Jay London
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"My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality."
-Jay London
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"I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out."
-Jay London
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"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."
-Steve Martin
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"When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity."
-Albert Einstein
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"People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading."
-Logan P. Smith
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"My one regret in life is that I am not someone else."
-Woody Allen
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"To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone."
-Reba McEntire
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"My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is."
-Ellen DeGeneres
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