"My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor."
-Phyllis Diller
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"What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day."
-Phyllis Diller
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"Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children."
-Phyllis Diller
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"The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public."
-Phyllis Diller
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"Our dog died from licking our wedding picture."
-Phyllis Diller
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"Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed."
-Phyllis Diller
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Same Category
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"In junior high school, I was an object of pure ridicule for my dress, withdrawal, and asocial manner. Dozens of times, I saw individuals laugh and smile more in ten to fifteen minutes than I did in all my life up to then."
-Arthur Bremer
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"My friends and family, especially my mom and dad, are always saying I should smile more."
-Dillon Casey
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"Beautiful isle of the sea, Smile on the brow of the waters."
-George Cooper
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"When Fortune smiles, I smile to think how quickly she will frown."
-Robert Southwell
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"We ought to be beating our chests every day. We ought to look in the mirror, stick out our chests, suck in our bellies, and say, 'Damn, we're Americans,' and smile."
-Jay Garner
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"Ascetics and fakirs come to mitigate human suffering to heal us and lead us on the path. They put up with criticism they go through many worldly trials. Some of them have even become martyrs for our sake. But they have done all this with a smile and with gratitude to God. Hence sacrifice is a great virtue."
-Sadhu Vaswani
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