"Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.“

-Demetri Martin

posted in Time

Demetri Martin quote on Time: "Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser a..." - Aesthetic Wallpaper & Wisdom

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"I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar."

-Demetri Martin

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"My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'"

-Demetri Martin

"But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me."

-Demetri Martin

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"I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it."

-Demetri Martin

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"I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything."

-Demetri Martin

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"I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'"

-Demetri Martin

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"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."

-Groucho Marx

"The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time."

-Bertrand Russell

"Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be."

-Mark Twain

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."

-Maya Angelou

"We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love."

-Tom Robbins

"Someday, after mastering the winds, the waves, the tides and gravity, we shall harness for God the energies of love, and then, for a second time in the history of the world, man will have discovered fire."

-Pierre Teilhard de Chardin