"I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.“

-Demetri Martin

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Demetri Martin quote on Christmas: "I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the pape..." - Aesthetic Wallpaper & Wisdom

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"I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then I said, 'Does he bite?' She said, 'No.' And I said, 'Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?' Liar."

-Demetri Martin

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"My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'"

-Demetri Martin

"But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me."

-Demetri Martin

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"I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything."

-Demetri Martin

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"I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'"

-Demetri Martin

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"And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track."

-Demetri Martin

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"Christmas, children, is not a date. It is a state of mind."

-Mary Ellen Chase

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"The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin."

-Jay Leno

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"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph."

-Shirley Temple

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"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live."

-George Carlin

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"The excellence of a gift lies in its appropriateness rather than in its value."

-Charles Dudley Warner

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"I love Christmas. Frosty the Snowman, peace on Earth and mangers, Salvation Army bell ringers and reindeer, the movie 'Meet Me in St. Louis,' office parties and cookies."

-Mo Rocca

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