"My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor."
-Phyllis Diller
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"What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day."
-Phyllis Diller
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"Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children."
-Phyllis Diller
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"The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public."
-Phyllis Diller
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"Our dog died from licking our wedding picture."
-Phyllis Diller
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"Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed."
-Phyllis Diller
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"The first crocodile I ever caught was at nine years of age, and it was a rescue."
-Steve Irwin
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"Time, in general, has always been a central obsession of mine - what it does to people, how it can constitute a plot all on its own. So naturally, I am interested in old age."
-Anne Tyler
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"Any young man who is unmarried at the age of twenty one is a menace to the community."
-Brigham Young
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"If there is anything I would do differently in my life, it is that I would study business more. I'm trying to teach my daughter Chloe at an early age about investing and money so she's not afraid of it."
-Donna Mills
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"What though youth gave love and roses, Age still leaves us friends and wine."
-Thomas More
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"In a spiritually sensitive culture, then, it might well be that age is something to be admired or envied."
-Rowan D. Williams
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