"My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger."
-Billy Connolly
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"Once you become successful, people know where you live, the type of house you live in, the kind of car you drive, the clothes you wear, and so it would be patronising to go and talk like a welder. Welding's a mystery to me now. You can't go back, your life changes every day.“
-Billy Connolly
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"My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo."
-Billy Connolly
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"Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on."
-Billy Connolly
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"Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit."
-Billy Connolly
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"I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be."
-Billy Connolly
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"I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives."
-Billy Connolly
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"Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work, driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for, in order to get to a job that you need so you can pay for the clothes, car and the house that you leave empty all day in order to afford to live in it."
-Ellen Goodman
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"If you are a writer you locate yourself behind a wall of silence and no matter what you are doing, driving a car or walking or doing housework you can still be writing, because you have that space."
-Joyce Carol Oates
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"Just as your car runs more smoothly and requires less energy to go faster and farther when the wheels are in perfect alignment, you perform better when your thoughts, feelings, emotions, goals, and values are in balance."
-Brian Tracy
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"It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows."
-Erma Bombeck
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"Every song has a composer, every book has an author, every car has a maker, every painting has a painter, and every building has a builder. So it isn't irrational to take this simple logic a little further and say that nature must have had a Maker. It would be irrational to believe that it made itself."
-Ray Comfort
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"Drug misuse is not a disease, it is a decision, like the decision to step out in front of a moving car. You would call that not a disease but an error of judgment."
-Philip K. Dick
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