Will Rogers

• "Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.“
• "Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don't have for something they don't need.“
• "The man with the best job in the country is the vice-president. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, 'How is the president?'“
• "Do the best you can, and don't take life too serious.“
• "The worst thing that happens to you may be the best thing for you if you don't let it get the best of you.“
• "The best way out of a difficulty is through it.“
• "An economist's guess is liable to be as good as anybody else's.“
• "It's not what you pay a man, but what he costs you that counts.“
• "If you can build a business up big enough, it's respectable.“
• "We don't seem to be able to check crime, so why not legalize it and then tax it out of business?“
• "The movies are the only business where you can go out front and applaud yourself.“
• "The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets.“
• "America is becoming so educated that ignorance will be a novelty. I will belong to the select few.“
• "The more that learn to read the less learn how to make a living. That's one thing about a little education. It spoils you for actual work. The more you know the more you think somebody owes you a living.“
• "There's only one thing that can kill the movies, and that's education.“
• "We will never have true civilization until we have learned to recognize the rights of others.“
• "Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.“
• "So live that you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.“
• "Don't gamble take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it till it goes up, then sell it. If it don't go up, don't buy it.“
• "I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.“
• "Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.“
• "I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.“
• "I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.“
• "Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.“
• "If I studied all my life, I couldn't think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress.“
• "Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.“
• "Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.“
• "Don't gamble take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it till it goes up, then sell it. If it don't go up, don't buy it.“
• "An economist's guess is liable to be as good as anybody else's.“
• "It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.“
• "We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.“
• "When you put down the good things you ought to have done, and leave out the bad ones you did do well, that's Memoirs.“
• "Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate, now what's going to happen to us with both a House and a Senate?“
• "This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.“
• "Ohio claims they are due a president as they haven't had one since Taft. Look at the United States, they have not had one since Lincoln.“
• "Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.“
• "I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.“
• "On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does.“
• "Things in our country run in spite of government, not by aid of it.“
• "If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep.“
• "It's easy being a humorist when you've got the whole government working for you.“
• "It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.“
• "There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.“
• "A man only learns in two ways, one by reading, and the other by association with smarter people.“
• "Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.“
• "Why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as well as prohibition did, in five years Americans would be the smartest race of people on Earth.“
• "Make crime pay. Become a lawyer.“
• "People are getting smarter nowadays they are letting lawyers, instead of their conscience, be their guide.“
• "We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.“
• "Do the best you can, and don't take life too serious.“
• "Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.“
• "If you want to be successful, it's just this simple. Know what you are doing. Love what you are doing. And believe in what you are doing.“
• "There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.“
• "A fool and his money are soon elected.“
• "Politics has become so expensive that it takes a lot of money even to be defeated.“
• "Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.“
• "Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don't have for something they don't need.“
• "If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep.“
• "Let advertisers spend the same amount of money improving their product that they do on advertising and they wouldn't have to advertise it.“
• "If advertisers spent the same amount of money on improving their products as they do on advertising then they wouldn't have to advertise them.“
• "Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.“
• "The man with the best job in the country is the vice-president. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, 'How is the president?'“
• "There's only one thing that can kill the movies, and that's education.“
• "The movies are the only business where you can go out front and applaud yourself.“
• "A fool and his money are soon elected.“
• "Politics has become so expensive that it takes a lot of money even to be defeated.“
• "I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.“
• "The more you observe politics, the more you've got to admit that each party is worse than the other.“
• "If you ever injected truth into politics you have no politics.“
• "There is no more independence in politics than there is in jail.“
• "Politics is applesauce.“
• "I guess there is nothing that will get your mind off everything like golf. I have never been depressed enough to take up the game, but they say you get so sore at yourself you forget to hate your enemies.“
• "Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.“
• "The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets.“
• "The only time people dislike gossip is when you gossip about them.“
• "The time to save is now. When a dog gets a bone, he doesn't go out and make a down payment on a bigger bone. He buries the one he's got.“
• "Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.“
• "In Hollywood you can see things at night that are fast enough to be in the Olympics in the day time.“
• "A remark generally hurts in proportion to its truth.“
• "If you ever injected truth into politics you have no politics.“
• "You can't say civilization don't advance... in every war they kill you in a new way.“
• "I have a scheme for stopping war. It's this - no nation is allowed to enter a war till they have paid for the last one.“
• "Diplomats are just as essential to starting a war as soldiers are for finishing it... You take diplomacy out of war, and the thing would fall flat in a week.“
• "Take the diplomacy out of war and the thing would fall flat in a week.“
• "The United States never lost a war or won a conference.“
• "Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.“
• "The more that learn to read the less learn how to make a living. That's one thing about a little education. It spoils you for actual work. The more you know the more you think somebody owes you a living.“
• "Liberty doesn't work as well in practice as it does in speeches.“

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