"My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor."
-Phyllis Diller
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"There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.“
-Phyllis Diller
posted in Money
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"What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day."
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"Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children."
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"The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public."
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"Our dog died from licking our wedding picture."
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"Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed."
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"The fellow that has no money is poor. The fellow that has nothing but money is poorer still."
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"Kids are meant to believe that their stepping stone to massive money is 'The X Factor.' Luck is great, but most of life is hard work. We do not celebrate people who have made success out of serious hard work."
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"Because I don't take money, I'll go anywhere and do a benefit concert with almost any orchestra."
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"Nothing except the mint can make money without advertising."
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"Thankfully, due to the United Kingdom and the commitment of the Westminster government we are able to ensure that money brought in, whether it be from the City of London or from North Sea oil, can be pooled and directed to wherever it is needed most. That is what being in the United Kingdom is all about."
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