"It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper."
-Jerry Seinfeld
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"A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.“
-Jerry Seinfeld
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"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end."
-Jerry Seinfeld
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"There is no such thing as fun for the whole family."
-Jerry Seinfeld
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"The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!"
-Jerry Seinfeld
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"That's the true spirit of Christmas people being helped by people other than me."
-Jerry Seinfeld
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"Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death."
-Jerry Seinfeld
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"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."
-Steve Martin
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"When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity."
-Albert Einstein
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"People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading."
-Logan P. Smith
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"My one regret in life is that I am not someone else."
-Woody Allen
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"To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone."
-Reba McEntire
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"My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is."
-Ellen DeGeneres
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