"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present."
-Joan Rivers
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"I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.“
-Joan Rivers
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"She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven."
-Joan Rivers
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"Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television."
-Joan Rivers
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"I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor."
-Joan Rivers
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"I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again."
-Joan Rivers
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"Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too."
-Joan Rivers
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"All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring."
-Chuck Palahniuk
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"If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans."
-Woody Allen
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"Part of me suspects that I'm a loser, and the other part of me thinks I'm God Almighty."
-John Lennon
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"To you I'm an atheist to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition."
-Woody Allen
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"I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: 'O Lord make my enemies ridiculous.' And God granted it."
-Voltaire
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"I'm an atheist and I thank God for it."
-George Bernard Shaw
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