"Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means."
-Henny Youngman
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"My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad but New York City?"
-Henny Youngman
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"I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays."
-Henny Youngman
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"A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student."
-Henny Youngman
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"This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!"
-Henny Youngman
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"This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest."
-Henny Youngman
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"It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages."
-Friedrich Nietzsche
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"Happiness in marriage is entirely a matter of chance."
-Jane Austen
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"A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person."
-Mignon McLaughlin
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"To keep your marriage brimming, With love in the loving cup, Whenever you're wrong, admit it Whenever you're right, shut up."
-Ogden Nash
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"A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished."
-Zsa Zsa Gabor
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"Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats."
-Woody Allen
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