Henny Youngman

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

"I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me."

"My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash."

"I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car."

"My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad but New York City?"

"If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late."