Woody Allen

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

-Woody Allen

art
I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

-Woody Allen

car
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

-Woody Allen

change
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

-Woody Allen

death
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

-Woody Allen

death
Marriage is the death of hope.

-Woody Allen

death
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .

-Woody Allen

death
It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

-Woody Allen

death
I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

-Woody Allen

education
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

-Woody Allen

education
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

-Woody Allen

experience
It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

-Woody Allen

experience
If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

-Woody Allen

failure
Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

-Woody Allen

food
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

-Woody Allen

food
The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.

-Woody Allen

food
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

-Woody Allen

funny
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

-Woody Allen

funny
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

-Woody Allen

funny
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

-Woody Allen

funny
If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.

-Woody Allen

funny
I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

-Woody Allen

funny
If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

-Woody Allen

god
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

-Woody Allen

god
As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

-Woody Allen

god
To you I'm an atheist to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

-Woody Allen

god
Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

-Woody Allen

god
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

-Woody Allen

good
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

-Woody Allen

good
I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

-Woody Allen

good
I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

-Woody Allen

government
I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

-Woody Allen

great
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

-Woody Allen

home
Marriage is the death of hope.

-Woody Allen

hope
Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.

-Woody Allen

life
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

-Woody Allen

love
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