Woody Allen

• "Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.“
• "I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.“
• "I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.“
• "I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.“
• "There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?“
• "Marriage is the death of hope.“
• "On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .“
• "It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.“
• "I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.“
• "His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.“
• "Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.“
• "It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.“
• "If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.“
• "Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.“
• "I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.“
• "The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.“
• "I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.“
• "My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.“
• "I failed to make the chess team because of my height.“
• "I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.“
• "If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.“
• "I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.“
• "If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.“
• "If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.“
• "As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.“
• "To you I'm an atheist to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.“
• "Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.“
• "Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.“
• "It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.“
• "I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.“
• "I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.“
• "I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!“
• "Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.“
• "Marriage is the death of hope.“
• "Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.“
• "Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.“
• "Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.“
• "Marriage is the death of hope.“
• "Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.“
• "Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.“
• "If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.“
• "As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.“
• "I am two with nature.“
• "Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.“
• "I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.“
• "Eighty percent of success is showing up.“
• "Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.“
• "I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.“
• "I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.“
• "Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.“
• "Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.“
• "I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.“
• "I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.“

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