Steven Wright
How young can you die of old age?
-Steven Wright
age
I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
-Steven Wright
birthday
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
-Steven Wright
birthday
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
-Steven Wright
car
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
-Steven Wright
car
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
-Steven Wright
car
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
-Steven Wright
car
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
-Steven Wright
car
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
-Steven Wright
car
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
-Steven Wright
funny
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
-Steven Wright
funny
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
-Steven Wright
funny
What's another word for Thesaurus?
-Steven Wright
funny
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
-Steven Wright
funny
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
-Steven Wright
funny
I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
-Steven Wright
future
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
-Steven Wright
god
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
-Steven Wright
god
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
-Steven Wright
good
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
-Steven Wright
good
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
-Steven Wright
great
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
-Steven Wright
home
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
-Steven Wright
humor
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
-Steven Wright
legal
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'
-Steven Wright
life
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
-Steven Wright
money
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
-Steven Wright
morning
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
-Steven Wright
pet
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
-Steven Wright
pet
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
-Steven Wright
poetry
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
-Steven Wright
power
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
-Steven Wright
science
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
-Steven Wright
time
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
-Steven Wright
time
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
-Steven Wright
time
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
-Steven Wright
time
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