"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present."
-Joan Rivers
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"She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven."
-Joan Rivers
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"Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television."
-Joan Rivers
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"I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor."
-Joan Rivers
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"I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again."
-Joan Rivers
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"Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too."
-Joan Rivers
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Same Category
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"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
-Groucho Marx
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"The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time."
-Bertrand Russell
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"Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be."
-Mark Twain
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"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."
-Maya Angelou
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"We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love."
-Tom Robbins
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"Someday, after mastering the winds, the waves, the tides and gravity, we shall harness for God the energies of love, and then, for a second time in the history of the world, man will have discovered fire."
-Pierre Teilhard de Chardin
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