"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present."
-Joan Rivers
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"She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven."
-Joan Rivers
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"Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television."
-Joan Rivers
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"I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor."
-Joan Rivers
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"I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again."
-Joan Rivers
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"Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too."
-Joan Rivers
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"I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
-Marilyn Monroe
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"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you."
-Rita Mae Brown
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"The best of us must sometimes eat our words."
-J. K. Rowling
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"Perhaps I know best why it is man alone who laughs he alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter."
-Friedrich Nietzsche
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"Doing the best at this moment puts you in the best place for the next moment."
-Oprah Winfrey
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"Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart."
-Steve Jobs
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