Johnny Vegas

• "I used to be good with kids, but as I get older, I'm grumpy and terrible with them. As for doing a gig at a 6-year old's birthday party, you couldn't pay me enough.“
• "I trained to be a priest - started to. I went to seminary school when I was 11. I wanted to be a priest, but when they told me I could never have sex, not even on my birthday, I changed my mind.“
• "You always hear people saying, 'I hope I'm not turning into my dad', but I'd be honoured if I became half as decent a bloke as he is.“
• "I came back from university thinking I knew all about politics and racism, not knowing my dad had been one of the youngest-serving Labour councillors in the town and had refused to work in South Africa years ago because of the situation there. And he's never mentioned it - you just find out. That's a real man to me. A sleeping lion.“
• "My work's never been accepted by my family, but it's something I'll always carry on with.“
• "I am a big fan of smelly cheeses but the rest of the family don't seem to be particularly keen on them.“
• "You can't be a proper comic unless you've been out on stage and felt the fear.“
• "It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether.“
• "Comedy's so subjective, and if someone comes to watch, doesn't get it, doesn't find it funny, then fine.“
• "I've spent lots of time in London, I studied in London, I like London. It's just not my home.“
• "My first holiday to San Francisco in 1998-99 was supposed to be a two-week vacation but I ended up staying five weeks and nearly didn't come home.“
• "You always hear people saying, 'I hope I'm not turning into my dad', but I'd be honoured if I became half as decent a bloke as he is.“
• "I came back from university thinking I knew all about politics and racism, not knowing my dad had been one of the youngest-serving Labour councillors in the town and had refused to work in South Africa years ago because of the situation there. And he's never mentioned it - you just find out. That's a real man to me. A sleeping lion.“
• "I'm getting positive feedback for my acting so we'll see if any other interesting parts come up.“
• "I've got too much respect for stand-ups to call myself one.“
• "Oh, I'm terrible at travel.“
• "I think if you're at the point where you're popular enough to sell your wedding photos to OK! Magazine then you don't need the money.“
• "The cheese board is my big treat at Christmas that I have to deny myself during the rest of year.“

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