"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me."
-Emo Philips
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"I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.“
-Emo Philips
posted in Men
Other Quotes by Emo Philips
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"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."
-Emo Philips
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"Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps."
-Emo Philips
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"Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day."
-Emo Philips
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"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
-Emo Philips
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"I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator."
-Emo Philips
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"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
-Robert A. Heinlein
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"It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife."
-Jane Austen
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"The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. What is called resignation is confirmed desperation."
-Henry David Thoreau
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"Civilized men are more discourteous than savages because they know they can be impolite without having their skulls split, as a general thing."
-Robert E. Howard
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"Men acquire a particular quality by constantly acting in a particular way."
-Aristotle
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"Timid men prefer the calm of despotism to the tempestuous sea of liberty."
-Thomas Jefferson
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