"Men want to make women happy."
-Jerry Seinfeld
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"That's the true spirit of Christmas people being helped by people other than me.“
-Jerry Seinfeld
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"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, 'I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.'"
-Jerry Seinfeld
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"The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn't have that kind of personality, and it's a terrifying thing to say."
-Jerry Seinfeld
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"Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV."
-Jerry Seinfeld
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"Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome."
-Jerry Seinfeld
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"To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving."
-Jerry Seinfeld
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"Windows are as essential to office prestige as Christmas is to retailing."
-Enid Nemy
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"Then, when I got in the military, I used to host - even in high school - I hosted the talent shows, and when I was in the military I would host all of our base Christmas parties and stuff."
-Gary Owens
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"At school, there was an annual school disco and I'd be standing in my bedroom wondering what to wear for hours on end. Eventually I'd arrive at a decision that was just the most ridiculous costume you could have ever devised - I think it was probably knitted Christmas jumpers on top of buttoned-up white shirts."
-Guy Berryman
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"No sane local official who has hung up an empty stocking over the municipal fireplace, is going to shoot Santa Claus just before a hard Christmas."
-Alfred E. Smith
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"In our racist, sexist society, Christmas is the 8 hours when we stop killing each other and gratutious over eating is encouraged so that the starving and other people in the world can die!"
-Lloyd Kaufman
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"I wouldn't recommend young kids see 'Speedway Junkie.' It's definitely an age-appropriate movie - dark and realistic and edgy. If young kids want to see me, go see the Christmas movie."
-Jonathan Taylor Thomas
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