Jerry Seinfeld

• "It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.“
• "Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.“
• "You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'“
• "When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business I have to humiliate myself.“
• "The first real thought that I had of something that I might do was to write for car magazines, because I always had a car thing.“
• "I love being a dad. I just love it.“
• "Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death.“
• "There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.“
• "A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.“
• "It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.“
• "Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.“
• "The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!“
• "I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.“
• "Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.“
• "To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving.“
• "Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.“
• "Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.“
• "The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn't have that kind of personality, and it's a terrifying thing to say.“
• "There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, 'I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.'“
• "Men want to make women happy.“
• "That's the true spirit of Christmas people being helped by people other than me.“

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