Mitch Hedberg

• "Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!“
• "I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.“
• "I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.“
• "I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.“
• "Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?“
• "I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.“
• "I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.“
• "Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.“
• "My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.“
• "A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.“
• "I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.“
• "I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.“
• "This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.“
• "Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!“
• "All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.“
• "I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.“
• "I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.“
• "The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.“
• "I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.“
• "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.“
• "I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.“
• "I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.“
• "I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.“
• "I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.“
• "Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'“
• "Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.“
• "I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.“
• "I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.“
• "If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.“

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