Quotes by Mitch Hedberg - AI Generated Quotes

Mitch Hedberg

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!

-Mitch Hedberg

amazing

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

-Mitch Hedberg

birthday

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

-Mitch Hedberg

business

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

-Mitch Hedberg

car

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

-Mitch Hedberg

cool

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

-Mitch Hedberg

dating

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

-Mitch Hedberg

dreams

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

-Mitch Hedberg

food

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

-Mitch Hedberg

funny

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

-Mitch Hedberg

funny

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

-Mitch Hedberg

funny

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

-Mitch Hedberg

funny

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.

-Mitch Hedberg

funny

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!

-Mitch Hedberg

funny

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

-Mitch Hedberg

funny

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

-Mitch Hedberg

good

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

-Mitch Hedberg

good

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

-Mitch Hedberg

good

I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.

-Mitch Hedberg

good

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

-Mitch Hedberg

great

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

-Mitch Hedberg

life

I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.

-Mitch Hedberg

love

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

-Mitch Hedberg

morning

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

-Mitch Hedberg

time

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

-Mitch Hedberg

time

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

-Mitch Hedberg

time

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

-Mitch Hedberg

women

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Mitch Hedberg

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.

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