"My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor."
-Phyllis Diller
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"What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day."
-Phyllis Diller
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"Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children."
-Phyllis Diller
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"The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public."
-Phyllis Diller
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"Our dog died from licking our wedding picture."
-Phyllis Diller
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"Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed."
-Phyllis Diller
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"Democracy functions best when we have an active citizenry."
-Rick Perry
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"I've found the best way is to not be scared of the attention but to be grateful for it and open to it. It makes my days better rather than being annoyed that people want my attention."
-Brandon Routh
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"What I love best in life is new starts."
-Karl Lagerfeld
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"Recruitment and retention are critical to sustain our Armed Forces with the best men and women willing to stand in the gap and make huge sacrifices to ensure our freedom."
-Zack Wamp
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"One of the best things for a woman to hear is that she is sexy."
-Scarlett Johansson
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"I'm either going to go completely mental, completely bankrupt, or have the best success of my life."
-Katy Perry
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