Phyllis Diller

• "Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.“
• "Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.“
• "Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.“
• "My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.“
• "Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.“
• "It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.“
• "Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.“
• "My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.“
• "Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?“
• "Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.“
• "The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.“
• "It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.“
• "Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.“
• "Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.“
• "A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.“
• "There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.“
• "Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.“
• "A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.“
• "We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.“
• "The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.“
• "Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.“
• "Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.“
• "The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.“
• "Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.“
• "What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.“
• "My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.“

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