"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me."
-Emo Philips
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"Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.“
-Emo Philips
posted in Women
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"He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites."
-Emo Philips
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"When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas."
-Emo Philips
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"Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps."
-Emo Philips
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"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
-Emo Philips
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"I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper."
-Emo Philips
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"I love women more than anything."
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"When they take surveys of women in business, of the Fortune 500, the successful women, 80% of them, say they were in sports as a young woman."
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"The Cause of Women is generally the Cause of Virtue."
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"Women are always most observed when they seem themselves least to observe, or to lay out for observation."
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