"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present."
-Joan Rivers
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"People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.“
-Joan Rivers
posted in Money
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"She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven."
-Joan Rivers
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"Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television."
-Joan Rivers
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"I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor."
-Joan Rivers
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"I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again."
-Joan Rivers
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"Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too."
-Joan Rivers
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"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons."
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"Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed."
-George Burns
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"There are people who have money and people who are rich."
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"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
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