Joan Rivers

Explore inspiring quotes by Joan Rivers, a remarkable figure whose words continue to inspire and motivate people around the world.

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funny

5 quotes

god

5 quotes

work

2 quotes

history

2 quotes

good

2 quotes

beauty

1 quotes

best

1 quotes

business

1 quotes

Featured Quotes by Joan Rivers

Some of the most memorable quotes from this author

"The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found."

— Joan Riversbeauty

"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on."

— Joan Riversbest

"I think I'm in a business where you have to look good, and it's totally youth-oriented."

— Joan Riversbusiness

"Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you."

— Joan Riversdiet

"The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it."

— Joan Riversfitness

"Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds."

— Joan Riversfood

All Quotes by Joan Rivers

Browse all quotes from this author

"The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found."

-Joan Rivers

beautyView Quote

"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on."

-Joan Rivers

bestView Quote

"I think I'm in a business where you have to look good, and it's totally youth-oriented."

-Joan Rivers

businessView Quote

"Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you."

-Joan Rivers

dietView Quote

"The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it."

-Joan Rivers

fitnessView Quote

"Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds."

-Joan Rivers

foodView Quote

"I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio."

-Joan Rivers

funnyView Quote

"I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again."

-Joan Rivers

funnyView Quote

"If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor."

-Joan Rivers

funnyView Quote

"Never floss with a stranger."

-Joan Rivers

funnyView Quote

"Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you."

-Joan Rivers

funnyView Quote

"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present."

-Joan Rivers

godView Quote

"If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor."

-Joan Rivers

godView Quote

"I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor."

-Joan Rivers

godView Quote

"Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television."

-Joan Rivers

godView Quote

"I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor."

-Joan Rivers

godView Quote

"Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise."

-Joan Rivers

goodView Quote

"I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive."

-Joan Rivers

goodView Quote

"People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made."

-Joan Rivers

happinessView Quote

"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present."

-Joan Rivers

historyView Quote

"Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too."

-Joan Rivers

historyView Quote

"I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds."

-Joan Rivers

lifeView Quote

"People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made."

-Joan Rivers

moneyView Quote

"Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'."

-Joan Rivers

respectView Quote

"Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television."

-Joan Rivers

thankfulView Quote

"The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it."

-Joan Rivers

timeView Quote

"She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven."

-Joan Rivers

warView Quote

"Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise."

-Joan Rivers

wisdomView Quote

"What are people going to do? Fire me? I've been fired before. Not book me? I've been out of work before. I don't care."

-Joan Rivers

workView Quote

"I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor."

-Joan Rivers

workView Quote

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Joan Rivers

Top Categories by Joan Rivers

funny

god

work

history

good

beauty

best

business

Featured Quotes by Joan Rivers

All Quotes by Joan Rivers

"The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found."

"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on."

"I think I'm in a business where you have to look good, and it's totally youth-oriented."

"Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you."

"The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it."

"Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds."

"I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio."

"I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again."

"If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor."

"Never floss with a stranger."

"Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you."

"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present."

"If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor."

"I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor."

"Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television."

"I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor."

"Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise."

"I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive."

"People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made."

"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present."

"Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too."

"I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds."

"People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made."

"Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'."

"Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television."

"The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it."

"She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven."

"Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise."

"What are people going to do? Fire me? I've been fired before. Not book me? I've been out of work before. I don't care."

"I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor."

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