Joan Rivers

• "The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.“
• "My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.“
• "I think I'm in a business where you have to look good, and it's totally youth-oriented.“
• "Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.“
• "The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.“
• "Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.“
• "I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.“
• "I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.“
• "If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.“
• "Never floss with a stranger.“
• "Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.“
• "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.“
• "If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.“
• "I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.“
• "Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.“
• "I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.“
• "Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.“
• "I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.“
• "People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.“
• "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.“
• "Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.“
• "I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.“
• "People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.“
• "Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.“
• "Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.“
• "The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.“
• "She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.“
• "Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.“
• "What are people going to do? Fire me? I've been fired before. Not book me? I've been out of work before. I don't care.“
• "I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.“

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