Mitch Hedberg - About life - 131918

"I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.“

-Mitch Hedberg

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I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

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"If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work."

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"I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality."

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"I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life."

-Mitch Hedberg

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"Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show."

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"Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'"

-Mitch Hedberg

"I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all."

-Mitch Hedberg

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"The highest use of capital is not to make more money, but to make money do more for the betterment of life."

-Henry Ford

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."

-Brooke Shields

"There is only one success - to be able to spend your life in your own way."

-Christopher Morley

"What we call the secret of happiness is no more a secret than our willingness to choose life."

-Leo Buscaglia

"Early in life I had to choose between honest arrogance and hypocritical humility. I chose the former and have seen no reason to change."

-Frank Lloyd Wright

"Take a chance! All life is a chance. The man who goes farthest is generally the one who is willing to do and dare."

-Dale Carnegie