"Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'“

-Mitch Hedberg

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Mitch Hedberg quote about time: "Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna..."

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"If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work."

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"I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality."

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"I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life."

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"Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show."

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"I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all."

-Mitch Hedberg

"I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific."

-Mitch Hedberg

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"To be a Negro in this country and to be relatively conscious is to be in a rage almost all the time."

-James A. Baldwin

"No country can act wisely simultaneously in every part of the globe at every moment of time."

-Henry A. Kissinger

"It's time to get real, folks. Hope and change ain't working. Hope and change is not a solution. Hope and change is not a job."

-Herman Cain

"It's plain hokum. If you can't convince 'em, confuse 'em. It's an old political trick. But this time it won't work."

-Harry S. Truman

"Nixon is one of the few in the history of this country to run for high office talking out of both sides of his mouth at the same time and lying out of both sides."

-Harry S. Truman

"A lot of people would be embarrassed to admit that they were on 'Barney', but I embrace the fact. I just had such a wonderful time doing that show. I learned what a camera and prop is, and all that. I learned my manners too, so I guess that's a good thing!"

-Selena Gomez