David Sedaris

• "After a few months in my parents' basement, I took an apartment near the state university, where I discovered both crystal methamphetamine and conceptual art. Either one of these things are dangerous, but in combination they have the potential to destroy entire civilizations.“
• "It's odd the things that people remember. Parents will arrange a birthday party, certain it will stick in your mind forever. You'll have a nice time, then two years later you'll be like, 'There was a pony there? Really? And a clown with one leg?'“
• "I haven't got the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out.“
• "My family isn't really all that different from anyone else's. Well, maybe they're a bit more entertaining.“
• "I tend to show everything I do to my family, to check they won't be offended.“
• "What other people call dark and despairing, I call funny.“
• "I love things made out of animals. It's just so funny to think of someone saying, 'I need a letter opener. I guess I'll have to kill a deer.“
• "The humor section is the last place an author wants to be. They put your stuff next to collections of Cathy cartoons.“
• "When I look at a lot of older stuff that I've written, I think one sign of amateur humor writing is when you see people trying too hard.“
• "I've been keeping a diary for thirty-three years and write in it every morning. Most of it's just whining, but every so often there'll be something I can use later: a joke, a description, a quote. It's an invaluable aid when it comes to winning arguments. 'That's not what you said on February 3, 1996,' I'll say to someone.“
• "I go to the movies at least five times a week, and after a while everything becomes a blur to me.“
• "But most good movies have a gun in them.“
• "Also, I used to think that one day I might get someone to iron my shirts, but the truth is I really like doing them myself.“

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