Rita Rudner

• "My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.“
• "I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again.“
• "To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'“
• "My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.“
• "When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.“
• "I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.“
• "To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'“
• "In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.“
• "I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.“
• "I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.“
• "There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better.“
• "I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.“
• "Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.“
• "I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.“
• "I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.“
• "Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.“
• "My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.“
• "In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.“
• "I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.“
• "I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.“
• "Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.“
• "Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.“
• "My Vegas act is how I make my money.“
• "I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.“
• "I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.“
• "I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.“
• "We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.“
• "I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.“
• "Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.“
• "In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.“
• "A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.“
• "Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.“
• "Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?“
• "Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?“
• "Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.“

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