Rita Rudner
My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.
-Rita Rudner
age
I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again.
-Rita Rudner
business
To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'
-Rita Rudner
car
My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.
-Rita Rudner
dating
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
-Rita Rudner
funny
I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.
-Rita Rudner
funny
To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'
-Rita Rudner
funny
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
-Rita Rudner
funny
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
-Rita Rudner
great
I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.
-Rita Rudner
great
There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better.
-Rita Rudner
humor
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
-Rita Rudner
life
Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.
-Rita Rudner
love
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
-Rita Rudner
love
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
-Rita Rudner
marriage
Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
-Rita Rudner
marriage
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
-Rita Rudner
marriage
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
-Rita Rudner
marriage
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
-Rita Rudner
marriage
I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.
-Rita Rudner
medical
Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
-Rita Rudner
men
Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.
-Rita Rudner
men
My Vegas act is how I make my money.
-Rita Rudner
money
I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.
-Rita Rudner
movingon
I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.
-Rita Rudner
parenting
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
-Rita Rudner
pet
We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.
-Rita Rudner
pet
I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.
-Rita Rudner
relationship
Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
-Rita Rudner
respect
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
-Rita Rudner
success
A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.
-Rita Rudner
war
Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.
-Rita Rudner
women
Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?
-Rita Rudner
women
Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?
-Rita Rudner
women
Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
-Rita Rudner
women
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