Rodney Dangerfield

• "I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.“
• "With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.“
• "With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.“
• "My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.“
• "I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.“
• "I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.“
• "I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.“
• "I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.“
• "I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.“
• "I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.“
• "Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'“
• "I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.“
• "A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.“
• "My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.“
• "At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.“
• "My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.“
• "I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.“
• "It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.“
• "We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.“
• "My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.“
• "When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.“
• "Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.“
• "This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.“
• "My mother had morning sickness after I was born.“
• "I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.“
• "What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.“
• "I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.“
• "I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.“
• "With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.“
• "I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.“
• "I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.“
• "I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.“
• "Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide he exposes himself.“
• "I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.“

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