Fred Allen

"We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion."

"An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission."

"My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense."

"Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure."

"I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap."

"Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs."