Emo Philips

"I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator."

"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."

"Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day."

"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me."

"How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand."

"I was the kid next door's imaginary friend."