Joe Rogan

"The only time I commit to conspiracy theories is when something way retarded happens. Like Lee Harvey Oswald acting alone."

"If you can lie, you can act, and if you can lie to crazy girlfriends, you can act under pressure."

"I had a sense of who I was before I got famous."

"I really feel like it's a travesty to make a child famous. I really do."

"That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard."

"It's painful for me to watch someone who isn't funny. It's horrifying to sit in the back and watch some guy who just totally sucks."