Paula Poundstone

"The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling."

"I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name."

"I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings."

"I have a very silly sense of humor. I've never laughed harder in my entire life than seeing someone with toilet paper stuck on the bottom of their shoe."

"I used to watch 'The Waltons' and sob because my family was nothing like that. We had a cruel sense of humor in my family."

"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"