Billy Connolly

"Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on."

"Once you become successful, people know where you live, the type of house you live in, the kind of car you drive, the clothes you wear, and so it would be patronising to go and talk like a welder. Welding's a mystery to me now. You can't go back, your life changes every day."

"My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger."

"I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives."

"I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be."

"Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit."