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A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

-Lana Turner

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I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

-Ron White

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A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.

-Bill Cosby

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Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

-Jim Carrey

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Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

-Elbert Hubbard

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I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.

-Frank Sinatra

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When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.

-Albert Einstein

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A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

-Steve Martin

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Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

-Mark Twain

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Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.

-Benjamin Franklin

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A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.

-George Bernard Shaw

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As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

-Buddy Hackett

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Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

-Mark Twain

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Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

-Mae West

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My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

-Ellen DeGeneres

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People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

-Isaac Asimov

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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

-Mitch Hedberg

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I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

-Elayne Boosler

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Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

-Phyllis Diller

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If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.

-Albert Einstein

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Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.

-Hedy Lamarr

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I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

-Lily Tomlin

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A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

-Steven Wright

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A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

-Jerry Seinfeld

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Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

-Bill Cosby

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Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

-George Carlin

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A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.

-Oliver Herford

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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

-Rodney Dangerfield

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All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.

-Casey Stengel

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Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.

-Ronald Reagan

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