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Steven Wright

Explore inspiring quotes by Steven Wright, a remarkable figure whose words continue to inspire and motivate people around the world.

39
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20
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2
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car
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Top Categories by Steven Wright

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c

car

6 quotes

f

funny

6 quotes

t

time

6 quotes

b

birthday

2 quotes

g

god

2 quotes

g

good

2 quotes

p

pet

2 quotes

a

age

1 quotes

All Quotes by Steven Wright

Browse all quotes from this author

"How young can you die of old age?"

-Steven Wright

ageView Quote
"I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'"

-Steven Wright

birthdayView Quote
"For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out."

-Steven Wright

birthdayView Quote
"I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone."

-Steven Wright

carView Quote
"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."

-Steven Wright

carView Quote
"I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy."

-Steven Wright

carView Quote
"I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

-Steven Wright

carView Quote
"I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car."

-Steven Wright

carView Quote
"I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window."

-Steven Wright

carView Quote
"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."

-Steven Wright

funnyView Quote
"I intend to live forever. So far, so good."

-Steven Wright

funnyView Quote
"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."

-Steven Wright

funnyView Quote
"What's another word for Thesaurus?"

-Steven Wright

funnyView Quote
"I bought some batteries, but they weren't included."

-Steven Wright

funnyView Quote
"Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country."

-Steven Wright

funnyView Quote
"I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side."

-Steven Wright

futureView Quote
"If God dropped acid, would he see people?"

-Steven Wright

godView Quote
"I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding."

-Steven Wright

godView Quote
"I intend to live forever. So far, so good."

-Steven Wright

goodView Quote
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'"

-Steven Wright

goodView Quote
"Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country."

-Steven Wright

greatView Quote
"I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

-Steven Wright

homeView Quote
"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."

-Steven Wright

humorView Quote
"I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five."

-Steven Wright

legalView Quote
"Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'"

-Steven Wright

lifeView Quote
"I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'"

-Steven Wright

moneyView Quote
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'"

-Steven Wright

morningView Quote
"I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone."

-Steven Wright

petView Quote
"My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere."

-Steven Wright

petView Quote
"I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything."

-Steven Wright

poetryView Quote
"There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators."

-Steven Wright

powerView Quote
"When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction."

-Steven Wright

scienceView Quote
"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."

-Steven Wright

timeView Quote
"I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."

-Steven Wright

timeView Quote
"I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time."

-Steven Wright

timeView Quote
"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time."

-Steven Wright

timeView Quote
"I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it."

-Steven Wright

timeView Quote
"I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time."

-Steven Wright

timeView Quote
"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place."

-Steven Wright

workView Quote

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